When you try to do your best for your children by teaching them to be polite, right and wrong and just giving them the best. You find so much advice from every where.
Be it as a post that has been shared on facebook, or forums full of parenting advice. Not to mention, family and friends telling you that you should or shouldn’t do for the best.
This is or has become a sore subject between my mother and I, over how I am with my daughters.
Few days ago we ended up having another argument over me trying to get my two and half year old to say sorry for kicking a shop assistant, who was trying to fit new shoes on her.
My mother takes the laid back approach to parenting. “oh she doesn’t mean it, she is only young. She doesn’t understand.”
That annoyed me so much! Especially when she made out that I’m too hard/ strict parent.
Just for some background on this, my mother is a ‘soft touch’ and her (at the time) mother-in-law, my grandmother is as strict as they come. Yes she was. If she started counting, God help you if she got to 3. My mother’s own mother often threatened the wooden spoon. Not that she end hit any of us (mum, my uncle or any of her grandchildren). As for my ‘over the top strict’ grandmother, only once did she smack my cousin. Her own fault really, she waited until the last moment before she counted 3 and then decided to run. Yes my cousin liked to push it. And yes now a mother of two now finds it hard when her children play up and pushing the limits. Karma has come in the form of her own children.
So back to my argument with mum. I stupidly lost my temper with her. Let me make it clear. Lost my temper with my mother. Not my daughter! And words were said and the short of it I said that she was the bad mother because my siblings and I were awful children and as adults aren’t well adjusted. We all have problems. Who doesn’t right?
My husband and I have a rule that came from words of wisdom from my strict grandmother.
If one of you is telling the child/children off or giving instructions of any sort. The other parent shuts their face. Only one talks. Even if the other disagrees. Talk about it later when the children aren’t about. United front!
It doesn’t give the children a chance to play you off at each other. Because they will try anything to get their own way.”
Why my grandparents adopted this rule?
Well they met, built a house together, married and only after my dad was in his terrible twos did they have their first arguments. After a few months of disagreements over how to raise their child. They agreed to only one to talk and if the other disagrees, it was discussed away from him and then it was for the same parent to update the child, if a change was to be made.
This was tested to the brink of their marriage when they had my uncle. It is probably where my cousin gets it from. But the main thing is, their marriage survived. On the 9th July 2015, they’ve been married 60 years. That is their children, grandchildren and now great grandchildren. The rule is the same now as it was then. Tried and tested, yes definitely!
This works also for my husband and I. Drives me nuts, but if you start reading online for advice on parenting. It is there. Maybe not in the same way but the advice is one voice to the child because “they don’t get confused”, “don’t feel like they are being ganged up on” and so on. I’ve even done a parenting course and again elements are there. For the children’s point of view of course but the parents need to maintain and care for their relationship just as much as the children they have created.
Happy parents, happy children.
Okay not always true but for anyone finding these difficulties. I ask you to try it out for a while.
As for my mother, I apologised for losing it. I tried to explain if I’m dealing with the girls, butt out. Like what I do for her. I can only hope that next time she will take on board what I said and hopefully no more arguments over how to raise my girls.