When you have a want to feel like you must work towards your goal, but when it comes to having children, this is a whole different thing.
Wanting a baby is not like wanting a new item of clothing or a ring. It is a new life that you don’t own. It grows and grows, and you have to invest all your time, effort and money into raising that child into an adult. Even after that child has flown the nest, your work doesn’t stop there. In fact, that is where it gets terrifying. At some point, they are probably going to start their own family, which will make you a grandparent. All of a sudden you are required to be looking after children again but following your children’s rules. At that time of my life is probably going to be a huge learning curve. Right up there with becoming a mother.
That’s the thing, carrying that baby inside you for nearly a year, following all those months where that child would hardly leave you. Not even to go to the loo. When you find this new skill of being able to do things with one hand because your child is in the other. I miss it, dearly. Both my not so little girls are now in full-time primary school. I remember this time last year I was counting down the day until my youngest was going to start. Now they are seven years and four years old, and we have just organised all the 3-4 clothes that no longer fit. I just feel like something is missing.
Full Time Mum
It has been so long I have been full-time mummy that I now feel a bit like a spare wheel. I understand that they can’t fully look after their selves yet, but they are seriously independent. Comparing that to nappy changes and breastfeeding and having to rock them to sleep when they just won’t stop crying; it is a huge difference.
I miss that closeness of them needing skin contact and the smell of a baby in the house. That new mum glow of happiness which appears with the dull complexion through lack of sleep. You just can’t fake that loved up feeling of holding your baby in your arms and the overwhelming love you feel.
I still have that feeling of love fill me when one of my girls cuddle with me. But I just miss that blind love that you have and being needed become you are in fact their whole world. Once they are off to school, they have their friends, teachers and a community of people who you aren’t a part of. You try to be the good mum and take them to all the birthday parties and get to know the other parents. Share experiences, but your baby is gone.
So, is it time for another?
That is the issue. I would like to but my husband loves his daughters and the idea of starting over with sleepiness nights and nappy changes is a huge no. That and he is coming entirely from a logical stand which I agree with. It would put extra strain on the family’s finances. We are probably in the best position concerning money since my eldest was born. It has taken seven years to get from the point of so broke that we were running up debt, monthly. To almost clearing all the debt off and all household bills paid, not worrying about the food shop and we now have a family car. A 20-year-old car but the “greeny meany” is still going strong, and I hope this post won’t jinx the old girl. We even managed last Summer a two night getaway to Bristol with the girls. Groupon deal but the girls loved it.
The Struggle Is Real!
We aren’t there yet, and some things are still a struggle. Like all these school groups and trips. It seems every month they are looking for another way to get parents to give more money. When you don’t have it to give, well don’t you look bad and of course having to try to explain to your child, sorry I just can’t pay for that. It knocks you as a parent. I contentedly feel like I’m being judged on every detail of my parenting skills. Living in a large village everybody knows everything.
My husband is looking forward to both girls having play dates with friends so we can have more time together. That and my parents are now happy to have them overnight once in a while since to nappy detail is an issue anymore. So, the odd lay in on the weekend has become possible. It has even happened once while the girls were here because the eldest made them both breakfast and then cleaned up and entertained them both by setting up a colouring area for both.
Why an Earth would I want to give up this new chapter to repeat the last makes no sense to me. Is it nature calling me to “Go forth and multiply.” Or just I know that my female clock is ticking and if I am going to have another, now is the time. The fact I have two girls and no boys, am I missing out? I couldn’t say, but all I know is I have this ache inside earning for another baby.
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